How to get fat while hiking the JMT (or any other trail)

October 17, 2017

​One would think that backpacking a 211 mile long trail would result in some weight loss. I’m here to tell you that is just poppycock! I want to share with you the tips on how you can avoid losing a pound (of your body, that is) and how you can even put some pounds on! These steps are a surefire way to ensure that you don’t lose your hard-earned fleshy physique.

How to get fat hiking the JMT
  • Plan to burn 2600 calories by hiking a dozen miles a day, so prepare food accordingly (by packing double portions of backpacker meals) and then hike only a bunch of 4-5 mile days. (Note: The calories vary whether you are a female or a male, in addition to your pre-hike body weight. To see how I deduced this requirement read ‘The JMT – I have to carry how much food?‘)
  • Spend a week in town, and eat all the food you can to prep for all the weight you’re going to lose on the trail
  • Get on the trail, spend a bunch of zero days while out there and sit in your tent and eat
  • Bring so much food that your pack weighs more than a 6-year old child and you can’t actually carry it, so you eat as much as you can to lighten the load
  • Go back into town, spend a week there, and eat all the town food you can, because you’re tired of eating trail food
  • Go to Bishop, CA and visit Erick Schat’s Bakkerÿ…and eat all the sweet breads you see
  • Buy a 2 pound loaf of Apple Raisin Pullaway bread to take on trail with you and eat the whole thing in a single day, because it weighs so darn much
  • Eat so much processed food that bloating and constipation help to create rotundness
  • Don’t actually finish hiking the 211 mile trail, because your pack is so heavy with food that you cannot be nimble enough to traverse the steep snowy terrain and fear for your life (the pack was heavy with other stuff too, but we’ll blame it on the food)

 

Erick Schat’s Bakkery – Churros and Cinnamon Raisin Roll

 

Erick Schat’s Bakkery – Enormous 2lb Apple Raisin Pullaway Loaf

 

The absurd amount of food that we carried for the first leg of the trip
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